I, for the last week, have been shopping for printers. This has proven to be the single most tiring and exasperating experience that I have had the great displeasure of experiencing in the last few weeks. I have read boxes, reviews, online descriptions, attempted to make sense of the confusing printer lingo, and wondered what cable is included in the box with the printer.
This "little" project was spurred on by the marvelous realization that for every ink cartridge that was bought for my current printer, a new printer could have been purchased. Now my ink cartridges are low and my current printer is dying slowly but surely, piece by piece (the printer head has decided to act flakey and that my paper could be enhanced by printing several sections of them in grey instead of black). The time to begin the grueling process of researching and deciding which piece of printing mayhem is best has beset me like a bloated elephant falling from an airplane on an unsuspecting Volkswagen.
This process would be simpler if I didn't have such demanding requirements for my printer. I will now summarize my findings in an imagined conversation between me and a snotty sails clerk, though I never had the distinct pleasure of talking to another human being while going through the special hell that is buying a printer.
Me: I would like the printer to print on paper, not leaded glass, animal skin, or french bread, just normal paper. Further, I would like it to be able to scan and copy things. Simple really, these of course are the easiest features to come by in a printer. (Now comes the tricky bit) I would like it to plug into my computer.
Imaginary salesclerk: Oh my god, no, this can't be, printers must never plug into a computer with these options, that is simply not done.
Me: So, what do they plug into then if not the computer?
Imaginary salesclerk: Well they all have to plug into the wall still (non electric printers have yet to be made) and some can plug into ethernet cables, but, for the most part, they are all now wireless.
Me: So how do I print things from my computer?
Imaginary salesclerk: Well, your printer can pair through bluetooth, but you have to send files and that can take a long time sometimes, others you can email the file to the printer, and some just work on wifi.
Me: Oh, but I don't have wifi.
Imaginary salesclerk: You don't have wifi, you don't have wifi?
Me: Ssshhh, keep your voice down will ya, I don't want anybody to know.
Imaginary salesclerk: Then how do you use your computer?
Me: Ever heard of Ethernet?
Imaginary salesclerk: No, really? You have a laptop and you use an ethernet cable?
Me: Yeah, what of it?
Imaginary salesclerk: How archaic.
After now being insulted by an imaginary salesclerk and ever manufacturer of printer sold in big box and office stores I came to the realization that I'm still living in the stone age. So to get a printer that has a USB cable I evidently have to have a fax machine thrown into the mix. But there are still two more features I would like, god help me, I'm so demanding. Now these two are completely superfluous, but if I find a printer that has all of these, I'll buy it even if I have to mortgage my mother: a screen, doesn't have to be touch just something that tells me the progress the printer is making, and a USB port on the front so I can print from a thumb drive or scan to a thumb drive. Did you feel that, the world just came to an end. To get all of these features can, and often does, cost upwards of $150!
I found one printer that has everything I want: I'm not sure of the USB cable status, the website description say it has a cable but for all I know that cable might be for our next assent up Everest.
Life has this tendency to make itself excruciatingly difficult and little things like printers are the mountains that later become mole hills while you are being run over by a bus. It is hard not to complain about these trivial things, but seriously all I want is a printer. I'm not asking for world peace, lower oil prices, a reasonable Republican presidential candidate, just a printer-scanner-copier combo thingy at a reasonable price that has a USB cable thing. Is that unreasonable? Of course it is, I'm asking for the moon. I'm going to go take a long bath with several rubber ducks and not come out until every one is connected to each other via Facebook and wifi. Oh yeah, and Happy New Year.
