Valentine's Day!

It's Valentine's season again. A commercial Holiday designed to help us not achieve weight loss: if you're in a relationship, you get candy and a fancy dinner from a loved one and maybe even a little extra special something else (if you know what I mean), and if you aren't then there is more candy than you would ever dare shake a stick at, romantic movies, love songs, break up songs, getting even songs, etc, etc, etc, to help in the pity fest that is most commonly thought of as single life on Valentine's day. Screw them, screw the happy peppy people in love with the damn holiday and each other. When I see February 14th looming up the calendar, like a zombie goat, I shudder, not because I'm single, not because I dislike being single, but because I'm expected as a single, fairly attractive (if I do say so myself), single male, of a slightly effeminate variety, to be sad and upset that poor little old me doesn't have someone to share Valentine's day with. Whatever, I don't need someone in my life to validate me and my existence, I'm ok being single, sure I would like to be in a relationship but I don't need to be: hell, it's probably more trouble than it's worth. I don't need a stupid holiday in February to feel romantic and sexy, that's every day of the whole freaking year for me. All my friends and even my family say that once I have someone I'll like it better, no, I won't. Wanna know why I won't? Because Valentine's day is a few special things to me, 1) a day to remember some martyred saint (it's his feast you know), 2) Dead Huguenots, 3) dead gangsters, and 4) swans bumpin uglies. Yup, the reason that Valentine's day is freaking romantic is because swan's start mating about this time every year. There you have it, February 14th sucks because I'm expected to feel a way I don't and is a ridiculous holiday that serves little purpose other than to help the greeting card and candy companies get over the 2-3 month slump between Christmas and Easter. And why the hell is it in freaking February, why not August, it doesn't have a holiday. February is such an anemic short month that has more than it's fair share of special stuff: President's day, Lincoln's Birthday, George Washington's Birthday, and it's Black History month. What does August get? Nothing, nada, zippo, just hot days and back to school shopping for August. Poor August, I bet nobody got it anything for Valentine's day. You know November, December, and February are those kids at school that everybody likes but not really and they end up dead and Buffy and the Scoobys investigate their deaths because it's all weird and mysterious. I wandered down a weird little geeky trail for a moment, sorry. So anyway, if you like the holiday, great, go ahead enjoy it, just don't expect me to, and don't try and console me because that will just piss me off. Oh yeah, and singles awareness day, please, for dog's sake we know we're single, you don't need you to point it out; that is, of course, unless you like having a finger nail file stuck in your forehead.